Trust.  It is a hard thing to do.  How do we REALLY trust? Like love, trust has levels, I suppose. Bottom floor, you can drive my car. 2nd floor, you be my friend. 3rd floor, you can know my secrets.  4th floor, you can babysit my kids.  That's kinda how we trust people. A little bit at a time, that grows as we learn how to trust that person.

How have I been trusting God? I'd like to say its 4th floor all the way!!! but yeah.. its not.  Sadly, I don't really address this issue until its in my face and I have to answer it. In the storm, with the high winds is not a good time to step out and trust... or is it? Peter probably didn't have my neurosis, or he'd have been steering and paddling the boat to shore himself. I have no problem confessing that getting out of a sturdy boat and trying to do the unimaginable isn't my forte. I like things in my life... just so. Its not perfection for me, its a steady gate of expected issues and discomforts, nothing too extreme. At that pace, I can brace myself for what I know is coming, what I can see headed at me. Its all those giant waves that come out of nowhere that knock me off my kilter and send me reeling into a tizzy, if you will. 

Trusting other people is hard for me, too.  I've had a hard time trusting my husband. Not in the way you might think either, just in little things.  I pay the bills because I don't trust him to do it right. And when I say 'right' ... I mean my way.  I don't trust him to take care of the kids, even though he might be the most capable dad I've ever known (not afraid of dirty diapers and puke and stuff - he's really quite amazing!).  Even a while ago, he sent me to my room to find some answers and pray and be alone with God... and I had to ask him 'what are you gonna do?'.. cause yeah. he can't function on a day off without my ethereal presence there for him to bask in and get direction from.  Its here that I will add that my husband is an amazing man possessed of great patience and understanding. He's kinda awesome.

I feel like I've been in this limbo, this ongoing storm, for about a year now.  I'd like to say that I've been trusting wholly and completely on God this whole time, but that would be a lie. I've panicked. I've freaked out. And I've definitely experienced some frustration. But almost at every turn... there God was with this amazing encouragement, a booster shot of faith and overwhelming love. He'd show up with just what I needed to see me through another day.  So maybe I go up and down this elevator of trust sometimes, but my amazing Father seems to always bring me back to His level.  Sometimes I'm a dope and I get off the elevator completely ... but He's patient, gracious and forgiving. He waits for me to find my way back on and we go right back up ... God is an amazing God.

Trusting is something we have to take a step at a time, a storm at a time, a moment at a time, an issue at a time... We're always gonna trust.  Maybe not fully, maybe not halfway... but then it is just the faith of a tiny mustard seed that is required to move mountains. Its the beautiful journey that we all take with growing that trust that make life what it is. And as we go through all life's issues we are always growing that trust... stronger. Pretty soon, we hardly notice those little bumps because we wholly trust. I'm so glad to be on this journey.  I may not have liked parts of it, but I have no regrets and wouldn't change a thing. All those steps, even the painful ones, have brought me here, to where I am today.  I may not be where I want to be now... but I will continue to trust in the God that brought me this far.

Isaiah 26:3 “Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.”

Psalm 20:7 “Some trust in chariots, and some in horses: but we will remember the name of the LORD our God.”

Nahum 1:7 “The LORD is good, a strong hold in the day of trouble; and he knoweth them that trust in him. ”

Psalm 18:2 “The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower.”

Be blessed and encouraged today!

The REAL Ugly Truth...

How does He do it? I'll never know. Have you ever done something so idiotic that you can barely believe it yourself? I'm not talking big mistakes like cheating on your spouse or committing crimes... I'm talking, causing overdrafts in the checking account on the month you REALLY need to have every penny count?! Or, forgetting basic tenets of faith ... like praise and worship and what they really mean?

For the past few months it seems that if it could go wrong, it has. I've been looking and praying for God to direct me to the employment, direction, grad school that I need to be. So when I'm not sure... when I think I know... three times, I've had to pull away from committing to it because I haven't heard from God. So this October when the kids were having trouble in school, Rog and I made the decision to pull them out and do the home school thing again. So far, they have absolutely thrived in it, especially Greyson. As a Mom, there is positively no more rewarding experience than to be there as your child makes that 'AHA!' discovery - it is really precious. I love being a mom. I love taking care of my kids and spending every day with them. I love teaching them and sharing my vast array of knowledge about not any one thing but many little things (jack-of-all-trades, master of none kinda thing). I love teaching Jordan about history and why this word means more than what the dictionary says. I love reading The Hobbit with her and hearing her laugh at all my favorite parts. I love Grey's excitement when he does his math facts and gets em all right! I think you get that I really love being home with the kids? Okay, moving on...

I started thinking, 'God, THIS is the job I love and you gave me 14 years ago. I'm gonna do it to the best of my ability and trust You for the rest.' .... and then we took a $600 a month hit to our income (thank you very much, Obamacrapcare). Ever since then we've been pinching pennies so much that our oldest son is graciously having to buy groceries with his paycheck just to get us through the month. But God is good. When I started having a lot of health issues I found out I have a gluten allergy/intolerance ... whatever it is, when I eat anything with wheat very bad things happen and I'm sick for days... NOT FUN! But since then I've not felt this healthy, this energetic in years. My grocery bill went up though. And still I trust God.

Now, its Christmas. And honestly, my kids have doting grandparents and they don't 'NEED' anything. But like every loving parent on the planet, I'd like to put something under the tree with their names on it this year. Not being able to do that is depressing. Grey's birthday is in less than 2 weeks, and you try telling a six (turning 7) year old that he isn't getting anything and see how that goes? at this point, a cake might be the gift!! I've been struggling with this for three months now. Torn between faith and fret. Its depressing just to type this out, to be honest. Now its all out there in print for everyone to see... my faithlessness. My horrible struggle and my failure to hold on to what I knew was true.  GOD NEVER FAILS.

I was reminded by a very dear sister and friend, that I was a child of GOD. And though I may go through valleys and dry times, that HE is my constant companion. I'm never alone. I forgot to water my soul with the Word and lift my own heart with praise. I forgot to spend precious time with HIM before spending precious time with my kids. I didn't put HIM first. I got things out of whack, and I got out of whack.

Am I thankful? Yes, 100% so. I am blessed beyond anything. I am surrounded by people and friends that love me unconditionally - even when I get stupid. I've been cranky without seeing it in my heart and it caused me to be critical in my heart towards others. If I felt even a little bad I'd stay away from church cause I didn't want to share my struggle with ANYONE because I was ashamed and felt like I had failed somewhere.  But, here it is folks. If God doesn't move, we won't get through the month of December without losing our lights and possibly our car. Without help from Him, we might not get to eat. It doesn't seem possible does it? But there you have it. The ugly truth. And I'm thankful for it.

I'm thankful because even though I don't know HOW HE will do it, HE will still do it. I'm thankful that at the end of this month, I'll end up with more than I started with. How do I know? Because I do trust HIM. He's never let me down in 40 years, not once. HE's loved me when I was unlovable. He carried me through loss and loneliness to this wonderful abundance of joy and love I have in my very own family. I've struggled with trust and faith, but no more. My back has hit the wall, and though the enemy has pushed me here, he's made a calculated mistake. From this position I can see my victory. I can see God's angels around me. I can see HIS hand extended over me. I can see victory. The ugly truth is that without trusting HIM completely, you'll never get your back against the wall. Without trusting HIM you'll never see the victory you really need.

Learning to laugh... at yourself!

Many of you who read these posts know me personally and know I am not known for my patience.  I can get frustrated, irritated, annoyed... kinda easily.  Sometimes.  Okay, more than sometimes.. but that is not what this blog is about!!!  I've been asking God to help me with my frustration, in fact, I asked Him to CURE me!! lol  Like I had cataracts or something, I asked for a healing! Know what He told me? Proverbs 17:22... A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.  


I've always heard the cheerful heart is good medicine bit, growing up in church and all.  But the crushed spirit dries up the bones?! WHAT?!? And God proceeded to tell me that all of those things I was allowing to irritate, frustrate and annoy me... were crushing my spirit!! Yeah, I was pretty shocked to, let me tell ya!! But then I thought about it... and He's right.  I mean, these things, these little things, were affecting me to the point that sometimes I'd allow anger to control my emotions and I'd ... ya know... slip a word.  I'd always feel immediately sorry I did it, and I'd be amazed that it could happen, cause I don't use those... words... but it would happen! Cause my spirit was crushed by the world and the circumstances I was facing.


So God took me back to Psalms 16:8, I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Apparently, I had moved so far away from God, the world was shaking me; shaking me with frustration, irritation.. in short.. stressing me out so much I lost my faith, for however short a time, to sin.  WOW! Me, I did that!! So, being contrite and humble, I asked God how could I stop this nasty pattern from repeating in my life.  And He told me, laugh at yourself.  Laugh at the situation.  Just.. laugh.  My anger wasn't going to move AT&T to get what I needed the other day.  Instead of losing myself over stuff I couldn't control, I needed to just laugh.  Sounds ridiculous.  At least to these mortal ears! So I tried it today.  Know what? It worked.  


Some of you know I've been having internet issues, where it would just shut off randomly.. usually in the middle of something important.  Anyway, after literally 3 months of fighting with AT&T over the issue I switched to Time Warner cable (whom I love, btw).  After getting everything installed last week (that took over 3 hours, I'd like to point out), the installer left me with the wrong modem.  So I go to the TW office and the guy tells me he is going to have to charge me for the correct modem... normally, at this point, I'd use my best "Dad" voice to inform him that ain't happening, etc.  Instead, I smiled, genuinely, and laughed. Not a 'in your face that ain't happening' laugh, but a real small laugh.  Immediately, before I can say anything, the guy says, 'You know what, mam? We should have taken care of this when we installed, let me get your modem for you.'  And on top of that, I got a free wireless router! I tell you folks, laughter IS a medicine. 

Life is made so much easier when you just obey God.  I have been making life so hard on myself by complicating things with my anger and frustration.  When all I had to do was laugh! 

Prepared for pain!

HAH! Oh boy, its amazing how God does stuff. He wakes me up with the thoughts on emotional pain last night and lo and behold... I get slammed! I didn't know He would prepare me for it first, He's amazing! Funny sense of humor... but amazing! haha

I'm determined in my heart to live over this pain though.  I've already lived too much of my life with pain, letting it guide me and influence me.  Maybe I'm too old and too stubborn to let it control me anymore, but I won't let this pain do to me what it has done in the past.  Even though I'm hurting, I won't allow it to separate me from the mission that God has placed me on this earth to perform.  And, who knows? Maybe this is God's way of freeing me up to do what He sent me to do.  Or freeing me to do what I've always wanted to do - write. 

Its funny, I was just extolling to my very talented and creative children about the passion to follow your dreams.  It seems that life has always gotten in the way of my passion for writing and my dream of being a published author.  Maybe this 'free time' will allow me the honor of pursuing it with some real vigor.  We shall see...  All I know is that I have a lot to do, a lot of work to get done for the Kingdom... and I can't lose sight of that for anything .. not even a little pain.  I'm blessed though, because I have so many friends and loved ones in my life who encourage me and lift me up.  I would be empty without you all, because you love me with God's love and it is a well of hope and strength when I'm feeling lost.  God uses us all to minister to one another even when we don't know it!

Trust God.  Trust that He knows every curve in the road and every bump along the way.  Trust that He's prepared you, knows  your ins and outs, knows your fears and sees every tear.  Trust Him when you don't know what else to do.

Be strong in the faith and trust God to lead you away from your pain.

~ Kim

Pain...

It's late and I am awake... again.  I've been meaning to write again for some time and just didn't find the time to do this adequately.  My Aunt Myra (love you!) asked me to keep on writing cause she enjoyed reading it, and I haven't forgotten about her! So if you don't like this one,  you can blame her!!  =)

Pain sucks.  I could stop there and have said a mouthful and it would be agreed universally.  But there is always more to it.. pain isn't simple.  It is complex.  It can be sharp and brief, but excruciating.  It can be drawn out and almost numbing, and last for decades.  It can morph into a myriad of other complaints and symptoms to hide itself, but it never goes away and is the root of all other ailments.  Of course, I'm speaking of emotional pain as well as physical.  Physical pain can be treated and dulled, and in time, will almost always dissipate or be cured.  Emotional pain is not always so simple. 

What is a good way to treat it, then? First thing, you have to admit you hurt.  That's always the place to start healing, identifying the hurt.  Its why doctors do an examination, to make sure they know the source of the problem, where the pain is coming from. For some of us, we can take others back to the time and place of our pain and describe it in detail.  For others it is a lifetime of layers of bad-timing and missed opportunities.  Plain and simple, if you draw breath, you have experienced emotional pain.  Pain is no respecter of persons.  Pain doesn't care if you are rich or poor, have a nice house or no house at all... it strikes cause we feel. 

Feelings.  The root of emotional pain that psychologists try to get you to talk about... your feelings.  Feelings are that thing that make some men squirm and some women grab a bag of popcorn and a girlie movie.  We like them when they are pleasant... gorgeous day, paid bills, romantic dates, happy healthy babies, success in life.  But things go bad... debt collectors, fight with the spouse, sickness, lost a job... and pain takes a driver's seat because you are no longer using your wisdom to steer your choices but allowing your pain to control your actions.  God has been dealing with me a lot about how I respond to life's bumps and bruises.

Now, I'm not a self-hater so bear with me.  But I've been known to be a tad quick-tempered.  Having kids and my temper in the same house is sometimes a fire waiting for the gasoline.  But I believe God has tempered me a lot in that regard over the years.  In fact, depending on who you ask, I'm pretty laid back with the kids now (they might not agree!). For years, I allowed pain to control what I did.  I ate to hide the pain of being lonely, it wasn't easy being a preacher's kid who moved every 2-3 years, its pretty hard to keep friends that way, too.  I allowed pain to control my actions and not use the wisdom I had to say 'HEY! CUT IT OUT!'. When are we going to admit we have pain, and let God take control instead of being led by our emotions?

Easier said than done... I'm a woman.  We feel everything!! We feel everything too much.  The Lord wants me to be balanced and I've been striving for balance for a few years now.  This isn't easy for me, okay!! =/  But He told me that with balance, with Him, I can have peace.  Instead of fear or pain or hurt driving me mad in this world, I can have sweet peace, with a side of joy, followed by a blanket of grace.  I can smile when the world says to cry.  I can laugh when everyone complains.  I can shrug off what buckles millions.. because I didn't let my pain control me... I allowed God to be.. GOD. I let Him guide me with His wisdom, and not let pain speak out of turn.  I have learned to stop and pray before I make decisions.  I try to listen to my husband instead of shutting him up.  I'm not perfect, okay! I slip and fall.  But God always picks me up and puts me back on the right path again. I'm learning the right way to go about life, and its never to late or to early to learn that.

He's got a lot of work to do, but "He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it" (Philippians 1:6, paraphrased).  I believe He can because He has already done so much! I can't give up now, and neither should you. 

As my sweet dear husband says ~ stay golden ~!

So thankful...

I had a dream last night.  No, no big Martin Luther King dream... well maybe...it was a dream that, for the second time I can remember, I woke up crying.  The dream itself is not the focus of my blog today, it is the meaning within the dream that holds my attention.  Thankfulness.  I, like many humans, forget that I am blessed.  I tend to walk around in the mess I've made of life and blame situations and circumstances, when it is really all my own fault.  God has to remind me sometimes, that I walk around in the mess but I do it with His grace, provision, and love.  I am blessed in my mess!!!

And really, is it such a mess? I mean, I look at it as such sometimes, but God is teaching me, showing me, that it is really sorted in a way that I just don't see the rhyme or reason in it.  But He is showing me and teaching me, that it isn't really a mess at all.  That He sees it, and calls it good - despite my mistakes.  Because He doesn't look down at me and see all that, He just sees the forgiveness He's granted me, and the grace I sometimes take for granted.

So today, I am extremely grateful for this life that God has given me. I didn't have to have it, you know.  My three beautiful, intelligent, and healthy children?  They are a gift.  My wonderfully awesome, loving and Spirit-led husband? Also a gift.  My family and friends that encourage me and lift me up even when I'm down or having a bad attitude? A gift.  The fact that I can go to church where I want, believe what I want, wear what I want, educate myself how I want... a gift.  I have air conditioning, a 3 bedroom home with 2 full bathrooms. I enjoy cable television, internet service, and hot and cold running water.  I have a cell phone... my kids have cell phones.  HOW AM I NOT BLESSED?!?!? How do all of these blessings mean my life is a mess?!!!??

I am thankful that I am alive today, and spending precious and valuable time with my children.  So many mothers and fathers are in prison, addicted to drugs or alcohol, or mentally incapable of being a fit parent.  I am thankful that I am alive today and enjoying a healthy relationship with my husband.  So many families are dysfunctional and distorted and not enjoying peace and joy like me. 

God, I thank you.  For every day, for every moment, and NEVER let me forget that I am blessed.  Wake me crying, and full of gratitude every day if you need to, so that I never forget again all of the wonderful blessings you have filled my life with.  Thank you, for loving me and teaching me what it means to truly have a thankful heart.  Thank you for joy when I want to get angry and be frustrated with things.  Thank you for peace when I want to have a pity party.  But mostly... just thank you. Amen.

My feeble hand at poetry

After its own heart…

Step away from the bar of life and see the full menu

Exit the darkness of lifestyles swamped with things and see the light bright world outside

Dark desires breed in the shadows of dimly lit rooms

Pain of sunshine, closed eyes against the rays of exposure

There is no hiding the persistence of lust

The indebtedness of society with their driven longings for all things possess-able invades your consciousness like an ill-tuned song

You can hear the beat but you can’t dance to it in the light of day

Outside the drumming and thumping present an annoyance that needs to be drowned out with goodness

The rancid rancor of the world leaves that metallic bitter taste in the back of your throat

Try as you might, you can not drown out the ugliness of it all

You long for a sweet cool drink from the water well of heaven

I cannot remember where it is

I just know it is out there some where for me to find

I do not know if I’ve had it before, but I can still remember the taste

The savory smooth sweetness of good things

Why do we long for things that pass away under the glare of truth

Why do we see only the lies that are colored so prettily with false rainbows

The promises that have no follow through

The half-answered wishes of the world

The dark bar and seedy life draws people in like droves of cattle longing for a lick at the salt

No one sees the beauty in the simple life

Days gone by and long-forgotten are the fairy tales for bed time stories

Memories are tainted with broken hearts and sour grapes

Take away the driving bumping hard core jumping of bad music

Sing for me the sweet melodies of violins and harmonies of my forefathers

The romance of lace is not lost or forgotten but buried under sheets of bad music

Remember me as one of these

The patrons of the past and lovers of the lore

Do not forget the love of others that came before

Remember them well

Strive to live your life patterned after the success of simplicity

The single staccato of one drum that beats after its own heart…