Trust. It is a hard thing to do. How do we REALLY trust? Like love, trust has levels, I suppose. Bottom floor, you can drive my car. 2nd floor, you be my friend. 3rd floor, you can know my secrets. 4th floor, you can babysit my kids. That's kinda how we trust people. A little bit at a time, that grows as we learn how to trust that person.
How have I been trusting God? I'd like to say its 4th floor all the way!!! but yeah.. its not. Sadly, I don't really address this issue until its in my face and I have to answer it. In the storm, with the high winds is not a good time to step out and trust... or is it? Peter probably didn't have my neurosis, or he'd have been steering and paddling the boat to shore himself. I have no problem confessing that getting out of a sturdy boat and trying to do the unimaginable isn't my forte. I like things in my life... just so. Its not perfection for me, its a steady gate of expected issues and discomforts, nothing too extreme. At that pace, I can brace myself for what I know is coming, what I can see headed at me. Its all those giant waves that come out of nowhere that knock me off my kilter and send me reeling into a tizzy, if you will.
Trusting other people is hard for me, too. I've had a hard time trusting my husband. Not in the way you might think either, just in little things. I pay the bills because I don't trust him to do it right. And when I say 'right' ... I mean my way. I don't trust him to take care of the kids, even though he might be the most capable dad I've ever known (not afraid of dirty diapers and puke and stuff - he's really quite amazing!). Even a while ago, he sent me to my room to find some answers and pray and be alone with God... and I had to ask him 'what are you gonna do?'.. cause yeah. he can't function on a day off without my ethereal presence there for him to bask in and get direction from. Its here that I will add that my husband is an amazing man possessed of great patience and understanding. He's kinda awesome.
I feel like I've been in this limbo, this ongoing storm, for about a year now. I'd like to say that I've been trusting wholly and completely on God this whole time, but that would be a lie. I've panicked. I've freaked out. And I've definitely experienced some frustration. But almost at every turn... there God was with this amazing encouragement, a booster shot of faith and overwhelming love. He'd show up with just what I needed to see me through another day. So maybe I go up and down this elevator of trust sometimes, but my amazing Father seems to always bring me back to His level. Sometimes I'm a dope and I get off the elevator completely ... but He's patient, gracious and forgiving. He waits for me to find my way back on and we go right back up ... God is an amazing God.
Trusting is something we have to take a step at a time, a storm at a time, a moment at a time, an issue at a time... We're always gonna trust. Maybe not fully, maybe not halfway... but then it is just the faith of a tiny mustard seed that is required to move mountains. Its the beautiful journey that we all take with growing that trust that make life what it is. And as we go through all life's issues we are always growing that trust... stronger. Pretty soon, we hardly notice those little bumps because we wholly trust. I'm so glad to be on this journey. I may not have liked parts of it, but I have no regrets and wouldn't change a thing. All those steps, even the painful ones, have brought me here, to where I am today. I may not be where I want to be now... but I will continue to trust in the God that brought me this far.
Isaiah 26:3 “Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.”
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