Trust. It is a hard thing to do. How do we REALLY trust? Like love, trust has levels, I suppose. Bottom floor, you can drive my car. 2nd floor, you be my friend. 3rd floor, you can know my secrets. 4th floor, you can babysit my kids. That's kinda how we trust people. A little bit at a time, that grows as we learn how to trust that person.
How have I been trusting God? I'd like to say its 4th floor all the way!!! but yeah.. its not. Sadly, I don't really address this issue until its in my face and I have to answer it. In the storm, with the high winds is not a good time to step out and trust... or is it? Peter probably didn't have my neurosis, or he'd have been steering and paddling the boat to shore himself. I have no problem confessing that getting out of a sturdy boat and trying to do the unimaginable isn't my forte. I like things in my life... just so. Its not perfection for me, its a steady gate of expected issues and discomforts, nothing too extreme. At that pace, I can brace myself for what I know is coming, what I can see headed at me. Its all those giant waves that come out of nowhere that knock me off my kilter and send me reeling into a tizzy, if you will.
Trusting other people is hard for me, too. I've had a hard time trusting my husband. Not in the way you might think either, just in little things. I pay the bills because I don't trust him to do it right. And when I say 'right' ... I mean my way. I don't trust him to take care of the kids, even though he might be the most capable dad I've ever known (not afraid of dirty diapers and puke and stuff - he's really quite amazing!). Even a while ago, he sent me to my room to find some answers and pray and be alone with God... and I had to ask him 'what are you gonna do?'.. cause yeah. he can't function on a day off without my ethereal presence there for him to bask in and get direction from. Its here that I will add that my husband is an amazing man possessed of great patience and understanding. He's kinda awesome.
I feel like I've been in this limbo, this ongoing storm, for about a year now. I'd like to say that I've been trusting wholly and completely on God this whole time, but that would be a lie. I've panicked. I've freaked out. And I've definitely experienced some frustration. But almost at every turn... there God was with this amazing encouragement, a booster shot of faith and overwhelming love. He'd show up with just what I needed to see me through another day. So maybe I go up and down this elevator of trust sometimes, but my amazing Father seems to always bring me back to His level. Sometimes I'm a dope and I get off the elevator completely ... but He's patient, gracious and forgiving. He waits for me to find my way back on and we go right back up ... God is an amazing God.
Trusting is something we have to take a step at a time, a storm at a time, a moment at a time, an issue at a time... We're always gonna trust. Maybe not fully, maybe not halfway... but then it is just the faith of a tiny mustard seed that is required to move mountains. Its the beautiful journey that we all take with growing that trust that make life what it is. And as we go through all life's issues we are always growing that trust... stronger. Pretty soon, we hardly notice those little bumps because we wholly trust. I'm so glad to be on this journey. I may not have liked parts of it, but I have no regrets and wouldn't change a thing. All those steps, even the painful ones, have brought me here, to where I am today. I may not be where I want to be now... but I will continue to trust in the God that brought me this far.
Isaiah 26:3 “Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.”
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
The REAL Ugly Truth...
How does He do it? I'll never know. Have you ever done something so idiotic that you can barely believe it yourself? I'm not talking big mistakes like cheating on your spouse or committing crimes... I'm talking, causing overdrafts in the checking account on the month you REALLY need to have every penny count?! Or, forgetting basic tenets of faith ... like praise and worship and what they really mean?
For the past few months it seems that if it could go wrong, it has. I've been looking and praying for God to direct me to the employment, direction, grad school that I need to be. So when I'm not sure... when I think I know... three times, I've had to pull away from committing to it because I haven't heard from God. So this October when the kids were having trouble in school, Rog and I made the decision to pull them out and do the home school thing again. So far, they have absolutely thrived in it, especially Greyson. As a Mom, there is positively no more rewarding experience than to be there as your child makes that 'AHA!' discovery - it is really precious. I love being a mom. I love taking care of my kids and spending every day with them. I love teaching them and sharing my vast array of knowledge about not any one thing but many little things (jack-of-all-trades, master of none kinda thing). I love teaching Jordan about history and why this word means more than what the dictionary says. I love reading The Hobbit with her and hearing her laugh at all my favorite parts. I love Grey's excitement when he does his math facts and gets em all right! I think you get that I really love being home with the kids? Okay, moving on...
I started thinking, 'God, THIS is the job I love and you gave me 14 years ago. I'm gonna do it to the best of my ability and trust You for the rest.' .... and then we took a $600 a month hit to our income (thank you very much, Obamacrapcare). Ever since then we've been pinching pennies so much that our oldest son is graciously having to buy groceries with his paycheck just to get us through the month. But God is good. When I started having a lot of health issues I found out I have a gluten allergy/intolerance ... whatever it is, when I eat anything with wheat very bad things happen and I'm sick for days... NOT FUN! But since then I've not felt this healthy, this energetic in years. My grocery bill went up though. And still I trust God.
Now, its Christmas. And honestly, my kids have doting grandparents and they don't 'NEED' anything. But like every loving parent on the planet, I'd like to put something under the tree with their names on it this year. Not being able to do that is depressing. Grey's birthday is in less than 2 weeks, and you try telling a six (turning 7) year old that he isn't getting anything and see how that goes? at this point, a cake might be the gift!! I've been struggling with this for three months now. Torn between faith and fret. Its depressing just to type this out, to be honest. Now its all out there in print for everyone to see... my faithlessness. My horrible struggle and my failure to hold on to what I knew was true. GOD NEVER FAILS.
I was reminded by a very dear sister and friend, that I was a child of GOD. And though I may go through valleys and dry times, that HE is my constant companion. I'm never alone. I forgot to water my soul with the Word and lift my own heart with praise. I forgot to spend precious time with HIM before spending precious time with my kids. I didn't put HIM first. I got things out of whack, and I got out of whack.
Am I thankful? Yes, 100% so. I am blessed beyond anything. I am surrounded by people and friends that love me unconditionally - even when I get stupid. I've been cranky without seeing it in my heart and it caused me to be critical in my heart towards others. If I felt even a little bad I'd stay away from church cause I didn't want to share my struggle with ANYONE because I was ashamed and felt like I had failed somewhere. But, here it is folks. If God doesn't move, we won't get through the month of December without losing our lights and possibly our car. Without help from Him, we might not get to eat. It doesn't seem possible does it? But there you have it. The ugly truth. And I'm thankful for it.
I'm thankful because even though I don't know HOW HE will do it, HE will still do it. I'm thankful that at the end of this month, I'll end up with more than I started with. How do I know? Because I do trust HIM. He's never let me down in 40 years, not once. HE's loved me when I was unlovable. He carried me through loss and loneliness to this wonderful abundance of joy and love I have in my very own family. I've struggled with trust and faith, but no more. My back has hit the wall, and though the enemy has pushed me here, he's made a calculated mistake. From this position I can see my victory. I can see God's angels around me. I can see HIS hand extended over me. I can see victory. The ugly truth is that without trusting HIM completely, you'll never get your back against the wall. Without trusting HIM you'll never see the victory you really need.
For the past few months it seems that if it could go wrong, it has. I've been looking and praying for God to direct me to the employment, direction, grad school that I need to be. So when I'm not sure... when I think I know... three times, I've had to pull away from committing to it because I haven't heard from God. So this October when the kids were having trouble in school, Rog and I made the decision to pull them out and do the home school thing again. So far, they have absolutely thrived in it, especially Greyson. As a Mom, there is positively no more rewarding experience than to be there as your child makes that 'AHA!' discovery - it is really precious. I love being a mom. I love taking care of my kids and spending every day with them. I love teaching them and sharing my vast array of knowledge about not any one thing but many little things (jack-of-all-trades, master of none kinda thing). I love teaching Jordan about history and why this word means more than what the dictionary says. I love reading The Hobbit with her and hearing her laugh at all my favorite parts. I love Grey's excitement when he does his math facts and gets em all right! I think you get that I really love being home with the kids? Okay, moving on...
I started thinking, 'God, THIS is the job I love and you gave me 14 years ago. I'm gonna do it to the best of my ability and trust You for the rest.' .... and then we took a $600 a month hit to our income (thank you very much, Obamacrapcare). Ever since then we've been pinching pennies so much that our oldest son is graciously having to buy groceries with his paycheck just to get us through the month. But God is good. When I started having a lot of health issues I found out I have a gluten allergy/intolerance ... whatever it is, when I eat anything with wheat very bad things happen and I'm sick for days... NOT FUN! But since then I've not felt this healthy, this energetic in years. My grocery bill went up though. And still I trust God.
Now, its Christmas. And honestly, my kids have doting grandparents and they don't 'NEED' anything. But like every loving parent on the planet, I'd like to put something under the tree with their names on it this year. Not being able to do that is depressing. Grey's birthday is in less than 2 weeks, and you try telling a six (turning 7) year old that he isn't getting anything and see how that goes? at this point, a cake might be the gift!! I've been struggling with this for three months now. Torn between faith and fret. Its depressing just to type this out, to be honest. Now its all out there in print for everyone to see... my faithlessness. My horrible struggle and my failure to hold on to what I knew was true. GOD NEVER FAILS.
I was reminded by a very dear sister and friend, that I was a child of GOD. And though I may go through valleys and dry times, that HE is my constant companion. I'm never alone. I forgot to water my soul with the Word and lift my own heart with praise. I forgot to spend precious time with HIM before spending precious time with my kids. I didn't put HIM first. I got things out of whack, and I got out of whack.
Am I thankful? Yes, 100% so. I am blessed beyond anything. I am surrounded by people and friends that love me unconditionally - even when I get stupid. I've been cranky without seeing it in my heart and it caused me to be critical in my heart towards others. If I felt even a little bad I'd stay away from church cause I didn't want to share my struggle with ANYONE because I was ashamed and felt like I had failed somewhere. But, here it is folks. If God doesn't move, we won't get through the month of December without losing our lights and possibly our car. Without help from Him, we might not get to eat. It doesn't seem possible does it? But there you have it. The ugly truth. And I'm thankful for it.
I'm thankful because even though I don't know HOW HE will do it, HE will still do it. I'm thankful that at the end of this month, I'll end up with more than I started with. How do I know? Because I do trust HIM. He's never let me down in 40 years, not once. HE's loved me when I was unlovable. He carried me through loss and loneliness to this wonderful abundance of joy and love I have in my very own family. I've struggled with trust and faith, but no more. My back has hit the wall, and though the enemy has pushed me here, he's made a calculated mistake. From this position I can see my victory. I can see God's angels around me. I can see HIS hand extended over me. I can see victory. The ugly truth is that without trusting HIM completely, you'll never get your back against the wall. Without trusting HIM you'll never see the victory you really need.
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